Ode to the Small Staff room members…

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I’ve heard many stories pertaining to employee-employer relations. I’ve heard tales of supervisors being diabolic in their actions against subordinates. I’ve even listened to stories which ended with a desire for co-workers to die a slow and painful death, or be tormented forever in a dark hole….however, I can’t connect to these stories, I worked with a group of people who were like family.

Our home was the small staff room, perched on the fringes of the school compound and houses 10 teachers, we are the last to receive information and usually deprived of basic amenities like tissue, soap and hand towels . We have even been called “the teachers in the diaspora” to show how much we are separated from the main building. Yet, with all this, I would never exchange our positioning.  Within the small staffroom though, there was a core group which I considered my family. We had an enviable relationship that eclipses all the other ills I’ve listed above. They made work bearable, a major feat when u r working at a boys school. If there was ever a time I was low in my spirit, u can count on my family to lift me up. We all had unofficial assigned roles and we were true to them.

Boss Lady (Cross) was the Claire Huxtable of supervisors. We were allowed to have fun, but work must be done :D. She has high standards and great expectations of us and you feel the impulse to work hard because Boss Lady believes you can do it, so you will do it. Never had a better supervisor and God knows it will be hard to top her.

Super Chef, (Campbell-Jones) is the consummate cook and nice parent. You know the type of mother that helps you to hide the bad report card if you promised to make good on the next one? Yes, that’s here. Plus she can cook like no one can, her things not local either; blue berry pies, red velvet cakes, crepe a la peach, hello please! Super Chef have the thing locked! I would give anything now to have a slice of one of her pies…*sigh*

Hampster Queen (McCleary) is the pretty sister you have that is also down to earth. She is a fashionista who is able to make a potato sack look good. The poor boys at Wolmer’s found it difficult to deal with this beautiful teacher who is no nonsense; it intimidates them. She is bright like god but funny enough, she is so humble about it. The only draw back is that she supports the PNP, but I will forgive her for that, we are all allowed a vice *rolling eyes*.

Fair Knight ( Tyson) is the spoiled younger brother that you want to beat up when your parents are away. Yes, he gets away with things and you just want to punch him but U can’t, because he is endearing :D. The funny thing about Tyson is that his greatest vice is also his most endearing feature…You want to strangle him but end up hugging him…cho.

Distant Cousin (Atkins) She is a story all unto herself. Atkins and I are runaway slaves. We were trapped in Egypt and escaped to the promise land of Wolmer’s at the same time, so we have a shared history. However, this woman refuse to move over to the small staff room because she loves the energy of the main staff room, well that is the unofficial reason. Atkins though is the crazy sister, the one who you find always messing up and forgetting things, but you love her still though you laugh at her. She is an enabler, you can share your indiscretions with her and trust that she won’t be judgemental, I love her for this. She doesn’t sit in the small staff room, but she is there often enough for us to leave dinner for her, lol.

Power Puff (Scott-Banton) is a ball of energy. Have you ever witnessed someone walking into a room and their energy is able to make the space bright and sweet? Well if not, you have never met Scotty. She is one of the sweetest persons I know, and she is so genuine. This young lady has the heart of an angel with a little impish alter-ego which makes her perfect :D. If you’re planning something evil, don’t tell Scott, she is going to talk you out of it unless the person really deserves it. She is the younger sister, who is convinced she is the mother of the group, always trying to ensure that we were alright.

Kevin (mi cyaan member him nick name) He started as the neighbour who liked our older sister and wouldn’t leave our yard, but soon became an adopted brother into the family :D, you know like Steve Urkel? Kev became a brother though and I am happy our mommies adopted him, because he was a good bro. Granted I would constantly end up in arguments with him, it was coming from a good place.

Madam Pampadore (*******) hmmm, the crazy aunty locked-up in the attic. Not crazy hahaha, but crazy…0_O. This woman was able to take the most trivial issue and make it histrionic, OMG! However, I think she played a role in the rest of us bonding. We had cause to laugh and talk about her behaviour and that brought us closer together. SMH at mad Mavis.

I miss you guys so much and I look forward to a great reunion in the future. Signing out for now, Captain Mello and it r the truth.

Oh Canada….

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“Oh Canada, our home and native land….” Alright, I don’t know any more, but for those who are clueless, those are the first seven words in Canada’s national anthem. It’s kinda catchy but I haven’t just yet. Anyhoo, this is another one of those blogs where I update you all on my latest discovery about my new home. I have to say that I am loving TURANNO!!!!!

I went to a drag show last weekend, yes, go ahead and judge me now, call a friend and tell them…*rolling eyes* Are you back now? Good! So I went to the drag show and I loved it. My mother called me while I was heading there, I told her I was going “clubbing”, did I lie? I don’t think I did. Anyway, I had to rush off the phone when I got to the venue for fear she may pick up on something, yeah I know she on the phone, but that woman has always been able to know what I was doing before I did it. I was nervous like a ballerina stepping on a scale when I entered the venue, but I left the show asking why people hate on homosexuals so much, especially men? I’ve asked people who’ve been vocal about maiming and killing gays if they know any personally and they have all said no, so it makes me wonder where this deep hatred comes from.

Anyway, the club was pumping. I had a lot of fun and I laughed hard and enjoyed myself thoroughly. Aside from a straight Zimbabwean friend of mine who was approached by a girl, it was pretty incident free, no one approached me or even asked for my number….not sure if this is a good thing…but I’m not complaining. So the drag queens performed songs from musicals, tv shows, mainstream divas, some underground divas and even dancehall acts, yes, Lady Saw, Spice and Pamputee were present and they WORKED!

I’ve seen drag queens on TV, on posters and on-line, but nothing prepared me for them in person. They have a presence, it felt  like I was among goddesses. They stood on stage with their flawless make-up, lace-front wigs, and sky high heels, which I’m sure the average woman would not handle, and they commanded the stage. I realize the venue had a large amount of heterosexuals, mainly women, something you would never find in Jamaica and I seriously think it is our loss as a nation. I think Jamaica could have drag shows that people would talk about for days. We would have drag queens fly in from across the world to compete. This would be a good source of income for Jamaica, hey, it could ease the pressure on JEEP, I wonder how Lucretia would feel about it, hmmm.

Needless to say I had a great time. Would I go again? Hell yeah, in a heartbeat. I am a free spirit, one of those who live to break conventional rules. Who made these rules anyway? Life is just for living and I intend to do so. I not sit and wait patiently for the call from my pastor and that r the truth 😀

Who run the world….Ivy Blue Carter?

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I woke up this morning (Jan. 9) to the wonderful news that Beyonce had given birth to a bouncing baby girl. They named her Ivy Blue, or is it Blue Ivy, not sure which it is but we will refer to her as Oprah until they sort that out.

So, young Oprah entered the world and we will never be the same again. She is music royalty and unlike the monarch, I actually care about music royalty. Why am I so excited about this birth? Well, those who know me know that outside of Whitney, Beyonce is the greatest thing to happen to music in my life. I’ve even struck a deal with God to be reincarnated as her hair glue in my next life, so I will be very close to… young Oprah *dreamy eyes* 😀

There has been a lot of speculation surrounding this pregnancy. The craziest I’ve heard, and this is no small feat, was the child would die in 7 days as the illuminati desires a sacrifice of the 1st born child. At the time of typing this we are down one day, so I take it the Carters have 6 more to go before doing what they must?

Who are these ppl who come up with these stories?

Do they live in an abandoned warehouse somewhere fabricating these narratives?

They claim IVY means “Illuminati’s Very Youngest”, which forced me to ask if her name will change when she is no longer the youngest. Does anybody know the status on this? I must confess the early arguments were very compelling and I too was carried away in the tide, but I saw the “light”, got it, illuminati, light.. never mind.

Babies being born to music royalty is not new to the world, we have had so many over the years; Lisa Marie Presley, Bobbi Kristina Brown, but the thing that sets young…Oprah aside is that she is born to very private parents at the top of their careers. This can be good or bad.

Can u imagine this child being anything but gifted? The prospect of this child being another Latoya Jackson is sad, but there is another issue that desires even more sorrow the realization that she may actually look like her father. While a man can walk around with Jay-Z’s feature, it will be mighty hard for a woman to do the same. Let’s keep our fingers crossed that she looks like her mother and is as good a writer as her dad.

The name though, the name Bey, Blue Ivy, Ivy Blue, either way it is insipid. To be fair to Bey, celebrities are not really good in the naming game. Erykah Badu has Seven, no, not 7 children, but a son named Seven. Gwyneth Paltrow is busy raising Apple and Banana in England. Penn Gillette has Roxy Crime-fighter Gillette….seriously; I wish I were making that one up. Toni Braxton have two boys, Denim and Diesel…no comments. This name, Blue Ivy or Ivy Blue sounds like something u would see at Sherwin Williams, “I want the Ivy Blue for my bedroom, thanks”. I also hear it as the name of a drink at Margaritaville, “Give me another Blue Ivy, please”. Worse even it is the perfect stripper name for an employee at the Candy Shop, “Next on stage, BLUE IVY!!!!” The poor child, sorry scratch that, the RICH child. Though I may not know exactly what her name is one thing for sure is that she will never have to write that name on a resume for as long as she lives, and no matter what she does in life the media will talk about her.

All in all I am loving this and I am happy for the proud family. I’ve been a fan of Beyonce from the days she walked around with three back up singer, then she fired two, hired replacements, fired them and now she stands alone, no longer Beyonce and Them, but BEYONCE. I think she is a hard-working woman and despite what Illuminati theorist say, she worked for the place she has now. I’m looking forward to what she will write after this experience. I hope it isn’t an attempt in being “DEEP” *rolling-eyes*, but rather bubbly and fun and I will accommodate a one song in dedication to …Oprah.

Based on trending topics today and the news broadcast all over the world, one would find it hard not to agree that Blue Ivy “Runs The World”…..and that r the truth.

Will of I am…

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This is the last will and testament of Albert R. Williams Jr, dated  January 7, 2012….ahmmm, well I hardly have anything to leave on a will, but I just wanted to type that as an opener :D, it sounds so serious and will contrast perfectly with what I will write here..

It has become fashionable for ppl to leave strict instructions for their funeral arrangements. I too have ideas on how this should go and though I’ve spoken to my mom, best friends and my partner about it, I think I should share it here to ensure we all on the same page.

First of all, there should be no cheerful colours at my funeral, my death isn’t a cheerful act. The idea of people being cheerful at my death would just kill me…again. So no reds, no blues, worse no orange or green, only shades of black, white and grey. Anybody who turns up in clothing that is too revealing will be given a black robe to wear until they leave for home. We not keeping a dance party neither is it a club and I am not a don.

I want a lot of flowers too, not artificial, as I refuse to be upstaged by dead flowers, there is only one dead present and that should be me. I’m talking about nice flowers too, Lily and Roses, not common chrysanthemums and ferns, I want the type of flowers that people will want to steal when they are leaving the church.

There will be no printed programs as I cannot deal with the thought of it being discarded months later. Can you imagine my programme in a garbage pile? Plus there will be no money left for programme, it will all go to the florist, remember we are doing really good flowers.

Pictures will be on display throughout the church lest we forget why we are there. A slide show projected right before the service begins showing images of me and friends in fond times with Barbra Streisand’s “The way we were” being played to support it. There must be tears during this section, I will have it no other way. After this slide show, I will appear on screen to moderate the ceremony via a pre-recorded video, which I will begin by saying, “I guess u r watching this means I died, hi from the grave *smile*”, this would slay me…again. 

  Many years ago, twinny 1 and 2, Keneisha and Nickeisha promised to do “Bridge over troubled waters” for my funeral, I have not forgotten. I want no preaching at my funeral, I’m sorry, but I’ve never gotten the need for sermons. They bring nothing new to the table that a song or a tribute cannot do. Instead there will be items from various groups I have worked with; monologues, short scenes, dances, dub poetry all that jazz in the service..:D, sounds good so far? I’ve commissioned the singing of “I’ll cover you (reprise)” from the musical Rent. I’ve seen one rehearsal of this and am happy with the progress, again, this should elicit tears.

Now as it relates to decorum…forget it, I want bawling. I want people throwing themselves on my coffin and wailing for me to be returned to them. There should be no dry eyes during the ceremony, remember I have no desire to die. So feel free to be as dramatic in your expression of love for me, I welcome it.

There will not be a bus to transport ppl to the grave side as this money will be used on flowers…I was not joking about this bit. So with that in mind, please take a pair of flats so you can walk to the graveside as I would hate to have my friends walk in their Manolo Blahnik and Louboutins pumps, which are a requirement. No need to worry though, there will not be a marching band, not only is this ghetto *vomits in mouth*, but it has a sense of glee, like people are celebrating that I have died and I will have none of it…sigh, the very thought.

Now, I left this for last because I know many of you are looking forward to having fish and bread on my account. I know It is a Jamaican custom to go to the house of the dead and eat the mourning family out of house and home. I know you must be tired after walking to and from the graveyard, but remember the money was used on the floral arrangements, so I would suggest you go straight home and remember the wonderful service you just experienced. Albert R. Williams was happy to have had you as a friend and I am sure your life is better having known him…and that r the truth.