Will of I am…

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This is the last will and testament of Albert R. Williams Jr, dated  January 7, 2012….ahmmm, well I hardly have anything to leave on a will, but I just wanted to type that as an opener :D, it sounds so serious and will contrast perfectly with what I will write here..

It has become fashionable for ppl to leave strict instructions for their funeral arrangements. I too have ideas on how this should go and though I’ve spoken to my mom, best friends and my partner about it, I think I should share it here to ensure we all on the same page.

First of all, there should be no cheerful colours at my funeral, my death isn’t a cheerful act. The idea of people being cheerful at my death would just kill me…again. So no reds, no blues, worse no orange or green, only shades of black, white and grey. Anybody who turns up in clothing that is too revealing will be given a black robe to wear until they leave for home. We not keeping a dance party neither is it a club and I am not a don.

I want a lot of flowers too, not artificial, as I refuse to be upstaged by dead flowers, there is only one dead present and that should be me. I’m talking about nice flowers too, Lily and Roses, not common chrysanthemums and ferns, I want the type of flowers that people will want to steal when they are leaving the church.

There will be no printed programs as I cannot deal with the thought of it being discarded months later. Can you imagine my programme in a garbage pile? Plus there will be no money left for programme, it will all go to the florist, remember we are doing really good flowers.

Pictures will be on display throughout the church lest we forget why we are there. A slide show projected right before the service begins showing images of me and friends in fond times with Barbra Streisand’s “The way we were” being played to support it. There must be tears during this section, I will have it no other way. After this slide show, I will appear on screen to moderate the ceremony via a pre-recorded video, which I will begin by saying, “I guess u r watching this means I died, hi from the grave *smile*”, this would slay me…again. 

  Many years ago, twinny 1 and 2, Keneisha and Nickeisha promised to do “Bridge over troubled waters” for my funeral, I have not forgotten. I want no preaching at my funeral, I’m sorry, but I’ve never gotten the need for sermons. They bring nothing new to the table that a song or a tribute cannot do. Instead there will be items from various groups I have worked with; monologues, short scenes, dances, dub poetry all that jazz in the service..:D, sounds good so far? I’ve commissioned the singing of “I’ll cover you (reprise)” from the musical Rent. I’ve seen one rehearsal of this and am happy with the progress, again, this should elicit tears.

Now as it relates to decorum…forget it, I want bawling. I want people throwing themselves on my coffin and wailing for me to be returned to them. There should be no dry eyes during the ceremony, remember I have no desire to die. So feel free to be as dramatic in your expression of love for me, I welcome it.

There will not be a bus to transport ppl to the grave side as this money will be used on flowers…I was not joking about this bit. So with that in mind, please take a pair of flats so you can walk to the graveside as I would hate to have my friends walk in their Manolo Blahnik and Louboutins pumps, which are a requirement. No need to worry though, there will not be a marching band, not only is this ghetto *vomits in mouth*, but it has a sense of glee, like people are celebrating that I have died and I will have none of it…sigh, the very thought.

Now, I left this for last because I know many of you are looking forward to having fish and bread on my account. I know It is a Jamaican custom to go to the house of the dead and eat the mourning family out of house and home. I know you must be tired after walking to and from the graveyard, but remember the money was used on the floral arrangements, so I would suggest you go straight home and remember the wonderful service you just experienced. Albert R. Williams was happy to have had you as a friend and I am sure your life is better having known him…and that r the truth.

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4 thoughts on “Will of I am…

  1. Albut Albut Albut …caws that is all mi can call yu afta this. Mi cant tek yu a raas. Mi seh yu have mi a keel ova wid laugh. Likkle most yu did affi go plan mi funeral. no sah yu too much. This no slay mi like how it chop mi up and left mi for dead. “Dead funny”. By the way people pan the church floor bawling and a carry on bad just as ghetto as marching bands. This deserves a second read.

  2. I wanna wear purple!!! I wanna preach!!! I wanna av set up.. when we set up di night before we yeye dem a go have bags and it wi look like seh we well bawl and a grieve (when we juss tired)…but people will think that we did well love you. so u see the set up does have its advantage…

  3. I hear you brother! Marching bands, Preachers … really!? I can’t stand the sermon and altar call at funerals. Why are we there again?? CJ is right, the cow bawling thing is so ghetto simple. geesh!

    Oh, and I think you should start saving from now so your family can use that money to buy your “good up good up” flowers. Or else … ferns should suffice. Just saying 😉

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